Voltron Was Horribly Inefficient

Recently Cartoon Network started airing Voltron weekday mornings at 5:30am. Being that I have no ambition to stir from my deep slumber, I added it to my Season Passes on TiVo. This weekend I was finally able to catch up to with the first five episode of the series. As a child, I was totally committed to the Transformers, for me Voltron was a third or fourth tiered cartoon behind Thundercats, GI JOE, and M.A.S.K.

Let’s just say that the years have not been kind to Voltron. More now than ever the damn show doesn’t make any sense. The most ridiculous aspect of the show (other than the choppy dialogue ), was the actual Voltron forming process. In order for the Voltron Force to respond to the latest threat from King Zarkon of Planet Doom, they had to undertake some horribly inefficient steps as if they were prescribed by the federal government.

My detailed and ridiculous analysis (WITH PICTURES) after the jump.

Step 1:

Each of the five pilots head to what appears to be an elevator shaft
Voltron Forming Step 1 - Elevator??!?

Step 2:
Oh wait it’s not an elevator, it’s a zipline/trapeze type device. Hang on or you might plummet to your doom.
Voltron Forming Step 2 - Trapeze

Step 3:
The zipline drops the five pilots into their own little speeder car. Each of them go off into a different direction in this extraneous exercise that is forming Voltron.
Voltron Forming Step 3 - Speeder Cars

Step 4:
Now the speeder cars dock with what appears to be a Luke Skywalker’s T-19 SkyHopper and head down tunnels that are approximately 150′ – 200′ in diameter.
Voltron Forming Step 4 - Seriously, Are We Done Yet?

Step 5:

Finally, they get to the Lions right? Wrong they get sucked up like a UFO abductee.
Voltron Forming Step 5 - Does Voltron Enjoy Assplay?

Step 6:
Hot damn, they are finally in their Lions! Where are they going? Apparently, Voltron can only be performed in Zero-G, above the Planet Arus. How does a robotic lion fly in the first place? How can it achieve escape velocity?
Voltron Forming Step 6 - Is This Ever Going To Happen?

Step 7:
And here he is … Voltron: Defender of the Universe! In real time, that only took what, 45 minutes?
Voltron Forming Step 7 - Finally...

Step 8:

Wait? Is this what Voltron is “Defending the Universe” from? It looks like a retarded Armadillo hopped up on HGH. I could take that thing out with a wiffle ball bat and a can of hair spray. Not impressive in the least. C’mon King Zarkon you must have something better than that in your arsenal.

What have we learned through this exorbitantly ridiculous exercise? (Other than the fact that I have entirely too much time on my hands)

Devastator TOTALLY PWNS Voltron

He totally kicked the shit out of the Dinobots in TF:TM, and you should be well aware that Grimlock’s Strength Stats ring in at a 10! I dare any of you to defy me.


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  1. Vigile, I must say, I am glad to see you are back into your site. I was sad when DmV died. If you want to get serious about doing stuff with your site, hit me up on AIM. I might be able to help ya out. Peace boss.

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